things that most likely just happened to me: 2010

Musicians suck because sometimes they turn to crime and are bad at it

I went into the bank the other day to cash my check that was barley worth more than the paper it was written on when all of a sudden there was an explosion behind me. As I regained consciousness I could faintly make out cloaked men each adorned in outfits sewn together rather haphazardly. My ears were still ringing but more and more I could make out what they were saying “ Ringo, fill up the bag” one said to the other. The second I heard his name I knew what was going on. It was four musical artist we all once knew that were transformed by strange and un-likey mishaps into the self titled crime group “Crazy awesome and still hip and definitely not forgotten killer crime musicians, AKA: The C.A.S.H.D.N.F.K.C.M.

The head honcho Bruce Spring-Sting was playing a show in Arizona when he was hit by a runaway truck that had just ran into another truck carrying radiation. After getting better he was bit by a magic scorpion and now has a really gross and drippy stinger thing (much like a scorpion). His henchmen include

Neil Diamond Thief: He’s not really an “accident” case, he just likes diamonds

Steely knife Dan: Someone stabbed him with a knife and he died then became zombiefied and he kills people with the very knife he had been poked with, then died from an infection because he didn’t get it treated.

Ringo Throw Star: Maybe one of the most feared because of his looks. The once super ugly drummer is actually a vampire and can’t die. He was born ugly as shit and the semi popular band he was in "The Ladybugs” (I think thats what they’re called) was a front to get him young girls blood. No one knows why he has throw stars in his name, I mean, he’s not Asian. He hates chinese food and pretty much anything foreign. He doesn’t even use throw stars. He uses big ass Drumsticks. They don’t really do much, maybe I exaggerated a little bit when I said he was the most feared.

ANYWHO, after I heard Bruce spring Sting yell out to Ringo I saw him stab a few people with his stingy mabob. It was gross. He tried to shoot goop into them but the stinger was all the ay through the victim so it just sprayed all over the wall. After watching these for “villains” stumble around for a good 30 minutes trying to get organized I started, as did everyone else, that they didn’t have a fucking clue as to what they were doing. Ringo’s arm was blown off when they used a bomb to blow down the wall (he lit the fuse and then just stood there.) Steely Knife Dan was a really dumb zombie and was just munching on a piece of wood, Neil Diamond thief was jerking off on a pile of diamonds that HE brought and poured on the ground. It was a few more minutes of them bumbling around before a security guard came in and Tazed Bruce in the balls. It was funny and overall I only had a small case of tenitis. Not too bad for a Monday afternoon.

It is 45 degrees in my house

Up by the North pole an Iceberg named Guyovitch ran into another Iceberg named Kevin. They proceeded to talk about the weather and marine life. As they started to drift apart Kevin said “hope to see you around” to which Guyovitch replied “certainly, it was ICE to meet you"

You’re a good looking corpse, friend!

Hey pal! welcome to the big leagues! If you are reading this that means you are over the hill and the next step of life is on your mind. DEATH, Hurray! Did you know out of all the people that have ever lived, the greater majority of them are dead as shit!? In fact they will be dead as shit for a pretty long ass time. Most of our time on earth will be spent dead as shit, Having said that I think the natural flow of thought brings us to one of two questions. 1.) “How can I look my best when I’m dead as shit?” and 2.) “Are you sure I won’t live forever?”. Let me answer the second question first. No, I’m not sure. I’m fairly sure Doctors are working with small babies to find the source of their youth and softness. Here is a list on how to ensure that your Corpse will be the bell at any Zombie ball.

TIMELESS OUTERWEAR

Stripe sport coats (avoid bright colors)
Penny loafers
Scarves of any sort (avoid silk)
Top hats and monocles do wonders for the chubbier body type.

That leads me to my last tip. Don’t be afraid to get a little crazy with it, when the zombie holocaust/ Ball happens do you think people are really going to notice a guy from to 20th century with jeans and a vintage tee on? NO, so go, splurge on a civil war costume! Better yet, get a kings crown, cape and some jewelry. Tell them you were the king of the aztecs!

Ben Affleck and rational numbers

I have two things to talk about right now, Numbers and Ben Affleck. I’m going to start by telling you not to go see the movie The Town. It blows, The only way he could act MORE like a bitch is if he played not just his role (Doug MacRay) but his female counter part Claire Keesey. The movie consisted of Bens character trying to convince you he was hard by talking about guns with a boston accent. Guess what! It didn’t work BEN. If your name was ever Benifer you are not allowed to hold a gun. Also what kind of accent is that? IS that an accent? When my brother couldn’t pronounce the letter “R” we called it a speech impediment.

PART II

Numbers.

When I say numbers I’m not really talking about any specific number....just numbers in general.

Like 2, 5, 78, 23, 778 ETC... I really like the number 42 myself. I’ve always gotten along great with numbers, It wasn’t until yesterday that I had a “BAD” experience with numbers. No no, it wasn’t like I had to count while under pressure or anything like that, I just had a bad encounter with the number 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 (Except the number kept on going). It was a CRAZY number, kept on murmuring about how it was Pie or wanted pie? I don’t know. Then shit got irrational and he stabbed the number 7. So now I hate irrational numbers.

Hi Ho Hi Ho, It’s off to work you go!

Can we talk about Child labor? Just for a minute please. I feel like this is an untaped source of good work, maybe not quality work, but they can certainly lift the shit out of bricks. I mean, just look at that face! Thats the look of hard work. I wouldn’t want him to do anything with fine detail because he still lacks fine motor-skills, but again, he could certainly do a good job with moving small logs from one site to the next. Lets take a look at the pros and cons.

PROS CONS

Small: they can squeeze into tight places Small: They can lift a max of 30 Lbs.

No concept of money so you can pay with legos Do you know how many legos it takes

to build the millennium falcon? A lot!

They eat very little and would prefer to be fed Their teeth fall out all over the job site

with snickers and skittles (very cheap) and it’s a bitch to look for teeth in sand

So, that’s how I feel about child labor. In theory I think it would work out. Lets give it a go America!

23.5 ounces of pure mistake

How much Joose is too much Joose? I think any Joose is too much Joose. HOWEVER, if you do decide to drink it you should take a few simple precautions to make sure you and the folks around you have a safe and enjoyable time.

Wear shin, wrist and ankle guards along with a DOT approved helmet. (a normal bike helmet won’t cut it)
Make sure all your pets are locked up in a safe part of the house.
If you’re not comfortable with getting naked in front of tons of people then I would suggest maybe wearing some sort of locking underwear.
Have a stranger hide your valuables. The point of this is to ensure that once the Joose has run out you do not try to pawn your belongings for more Joose money.
Lastly it is VERY important that you keep your mind AND ears open. You will not be able to feel a taser, so again it’s important to LISTEN to the police when they tell you to get on the ground

Now that you have read some tips on how to be safe go out there and enjoy your tasty treats :)

Did you know?

Did you know: The Sloths body temperature rises and falls with the outside air temperature?

Did you also know that because if this they tend to be lousy cuddle mates while camping.

The more you know....

Memory? Where we’re going we don’t need memory...

Marty Mcfly Didn’t care what his parents told him. He couldn’t stay away from the Doc, He loved him. In a way Marty always knew the Doc had dementia, but he didn’t care. Marty stayed for the times that he could catch a glimpse of the old doc, The intelligent Doc, Not the doc worried about Marty stealing the keys to his 1993 Toyota corolla (thought to be a time machine). Doc slipped away slowly, the line between Genius and crazy has always been blurry, but something had to be done when Doc drove his VW bus into the towns bank claiming to be from the past.

3:23PM is not a good time for a dinner date.

Last night I went out on a terrible date and I would like to tell you how it went. Maybe I'll even tell you how it ended.

This paragraph is indented for no reason. So as the sentence above said, I'm going to tell you about my date with Shanodi. First off I’ll tell you that she doesn’t find it very funny that I called her Biscotti for the last half of the evening. MOVING FORWARD, It was dog dicks from the get-go, apparently 3:23PM (Mountain Standard Time) is “too early for dinner” . Who says that shit? Then I didn’t have enough money to pay for said dinner, how was I supposed to know that Papa-Poochie-Ohs was so expensive? Granted I shouldn’t have had those shots of Baileys but it was thursday! I mean COME ON, THURSDAY!! Thats the day I drink Baileys on, my mom told me to be myself and thats exactly what I did. I had a few other things to drink. This is a list of the other things I had to drink.

Things I drank on my date with Shanodi

A list by Stephen Townsuurd Guglielmo

half a bottle of wine (she drank the other half)
Rum and coke (x2)
Baileys (x6 in shot from)
A “british Gentlemen” (a glass of rusty water with a splash of lime and a shot of 151)
Pina Colada Margarita (only 1/2 because I spilled the rest on the waitress)
Chocolate cake shot (x4, they’re just so damn good! Its like drinking a fucking cake!)
Miller High Life (6 pack at my house)

So those were a few of the drinks that I had, the rest don’t matter because {SPOILER ALERT} I had the rest at my house by myself when the date was over. SO, after stumbled back down to my seat from one of my many trips to the bathroom to check if I had peed myself, she told me she had to go because her friend got hit by one of the Ride the duck tour busses after it had gotten done gassing up somewhere. I wanted to offer her a ride but puked in my mouth instead. I didn’t have time to go to the bathroom because I hated the taste of it so I spit it out in her doggy bag, all of a sudden she called me an asshole and I just said “hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Smoke weed every day” mostly because I love that song, who doesn’t like Snoopy Doggy Doggs? Either way, she left the doggy bag in my care which leads me to think that she trusts me and actually wants to try this again. I think she was just putting on a pissed off front because she doesn’t want to fall in love with me. I called my mom and told her about it and she thinks I should give her another chance.

Stephen Haw King.

Today I feel like my world has been turned upside down! Do you know what this is like? When you love someone and then you Google their name and come to find out that not only does he know an ass ton of equations but he also kicks it with the comedian Carrot toppe (see picture above)! I've always been a great admirer of Mr. Stephen H. King. His lectures on science and the scary books he writes have affected my life in SO many ways. I consider myself to be a pretty cool cat, but this guy sets the bar so high that I need to go to the store and buy some step ladders to reach it. Is this the most accomplished man alive? I think so. Not many people know this about him but did you know he can levitate?!? What? No I'm not joshin' you I have a picture to prove it!

What a king among men! Just look at his assistants surrounding him, their eyes filled with jealousy and concern. You can imagine what they're saying to him "Mr.King, please! You've never hovered for more than 30 seconds! We need to run more tests to make sure that it's safe" to which I'm sure he replies "Don't touch me you fucking bastards! What do any of you peasants know about my work. Fetch me my jello shot!".

Gorillas don't wear Hawaiian shirts

A young writer named Jaff Jeffery Kellogg (played by Mr.James Franco) moves to Florida to get away from it all, but he soon finds out that the grass isn't so green on the other side. His new roommate Kimpatsu is not your ordinary bro. Besides his insatiable heroine addiction he's also a fucking gorilla! this movie really builds up tension because Jaff has always had a fear of gorillas and you KNOW Kimpatsu is going to have to tell Jaff sooner or later that he is, in fact, a fucking gorilla. This movie is a roller coaster of emotions. They laugh, they cry, they maul and in the end you really get the feeling like you've learned nothing at all. Because you wont. Gorillas don't wear hawaiian shirts and seldom do they fold their arms in a laid back fashion.

is this the title of the whole blog or just the title of what I'm about to "blog" rite now. fuck it. it's the title to something

ok, I'm gonna start to blog, NOW. GO.

OK, this started a while ago. I would go into the bathroom to see hornets and be all like "Oh shit...a hornet". Then it turned into "OH shit....hornets". I think you get where I'm going with this.
Last night was the second attempt to get rid of them while drunk. Neither time went well. I think they've become conditioned to fight when I turn the vacuum on.

  Last night we drank at Lil Red Hen....or Red Hen, maybe it was Lil Hen. I don't know, either way it was a fun time. Drank more than I needed to, made an ass out of myself in front of this cute girl I know while trying to ride my bike in a straight line. It could've been worse, Zach went a different route home and hit a parked car with our friends bike and the peddle broke off. But she didn't see that so fuck me still. Once I got home things didn't improve. we'll I guess we ate steak.....but that's besides the point. Zach was all "let's kill those fucking hornets" and I was all "YEEEEAH! Lets chill those fucking kornets". seemed like a good idea at the time so we got on some gear (P-coats and scarves and bandanas) and fucked their shit up. What I mean when I say "fucked their shit up" is that we banged on the vent until they came out all furious/judgmental and we tried to suck them up with a vacuum. We laughed until Zach got stung......then we got serious with it.....and broke the light in the hallway.

So now it's morning. We have to do damage control because our bathroom is littered with hornet corpses and there's glass in the hallway. OH and Zach got stung again. What the fuck is that? Who does that? You know what sucks more than being hungover? being hungover and getting a hornet sting. Here's a list of things that make my hangover worse.



   LIST #1: Things that make my hangover
   worse


     A list by Stephen Tiberious Guglielmo

   1.) Movement.
   2.) Shrill sounds.
   3.) Hornets.
   4.) When I try to scroll through a window on my mac and it freezes instead of scrolling.
   5.) That little spinning beach ball thing that my mac shows me when it's thinking too hard.

LIST #2: Things that make my hangover

better

Another list by Stephen Tiberious Guglielmo

1.) Good smelling things.

2.) Things that are soft.

3.) Hot showers.

4.) Good music like: Boris with Merzbow. Earth and Ghengis tron.

5.) Soup.

6.) Making lists of things.

Ok, we're done with lists for now. In fact I'm done blogging...I'm gonna eat some Soup in the shower while I listen to ALTAR.