I went into the bank the other day to cash my check that was barley worth more than the paper it was written on when all of a sudden there was an explosion behind me. As I regained consciousness I could faintly make out cloaked men each adorned in outfits sewn together rather haphazardly. My ears were still ringing but more and more I could make out what they were saying “ Ringo, fill up the bag” one said to the other. The second I heard his name I knew what was going on. It was four musical artist we all once knew that were transformed by strange and un-likey mishaps into the self titled crime group “Crazy awesome and still hip and definitely not forgotten killer crime musicians, AKA: The C.A.S.H.D.N.F.K.C.M.
The head honcho Bruce Spring-Sting was playing a show in Arizona when he was hit by a runaway truck that had just ran into another truck carrying radiation. After getting better he was bit by a magic scorpion and now has a really gross and drippy stinger thing (much like a scorpion). His henchmen include
Neil Diamond Thief: He’s not really an “accident” case, he just likes diamonds
Steely knife Dan: Someone stabbed him with a knife and he died then became zombiefied and he kills people with the very knife he had been poked with, then died from an infection because he didn’t get it treated.
Ringo Throw Star: Maybe one of the most feared because of his looks. The once super ugly drummer is actually a vampire and can’t die. He was born ugly as shit and the semi popular band he was in "The Ladybugs” (I think thats what they’re called) was a front to get him young girls blood. No one knows why he has throw stars in his name, I mean, he’s not Asian. He hates chinese food and pretty much anything foreign. He doesn’t even use throw stars. He uses big ass Drumsticks. They don’t really do much, maybe I exaggerated a little bit when I said he was the most feared.
ANYWHO, after I heard Bruce spring Sting yell out to Ringo I saw him stab a few people with his stingy mabob. It was gross. He tried to shoot goop into them but the stinger was all the ay through the victim so it just sprayed all over the wall. After watching these for “villains” stumble around for a good 30 minutes trying to get organized I started, as did everyone else, that they didn’t have a fucking clue as to what they were doing. Ringo’s arm was blown off when they used a bomb to blow down the wall (he lit the fuse and then just stood there.) Steely Knife Dan was a really dumb zombie and was just munching on a piece of wood, Neil Diamond thief was jerking off on a pile of diamonds that HE brought and poured on the ground. It was a few more minutes of them bumbling around before a security guard came in and Tazed Bruce in the balls. It was funny and overall I only had a small case of tenitis. Not too bad for a Monday afternoon.
